How do we, as 'grown ups', protect ourselves from the chaos that life often delivers. We all have days when we are overwhelmed with everything going on around us. It can be something as simple as walking into a messy room or standing amidst a group of happy, chatty people. Sometimes we just need to step out of the room and close the door or walk away from the group of people and go to a quiet corner. That's where we can take that deep breath to calm the anxiety that is the BFF of chaos. What happens when the chaos is internal? How do you escape it? If you are an adult, then hopefully you've found a 'healthy' way to re-direct your thoughts. Perhaps you exercise or meditate... maybe you sit with a good book. We, as adults, usually have a box full of strategies that we've collected over the years to help us. However, when you are a child with this type of internal chaos, you may not know what to do. You may scream at everyone around you. You might try to harm yourself to trade one type of pain for another. You may cry or sink into a dark hole where no amount of light can reach you. You feel hopeless. You might not see any possible escape. You probably even know that the chaotic, anxious thoughts are irrational and overly exaggerated, but that doesn't matter. They are too strong and you don't yet have a way to 'walk away' from them or 'shut a door' so you can find a safe place. So, how do we help a child develop these coping skills? There are tons of books on this topic! I believe that the best place to start, the only place to start, is to validate those feelings. Listen if they'll talk to you. Don't judge their fears and say they are silly. Be as patient as possible while they express themselves, even if it's in anger. Get them professional help if just talking doesn't do any good. There is so much more to say on this topic. I have to stop here for now, but feel free to comment below if you have any strategies that have worked for you or someone you know. Every child and situation is different, so there is no one universal fix. The more ideas we share, the more chance of we have of helping equip a child with needed coping skills. In caring partnership! Cindy
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Sometimes we are lucky enough to have Opportunity knock and all we have to do is answer the door. However, more often than not, opportunity doesn't come in the form of a finished door ~ sometimes it comes in the form of tools, hardware and wood, so you can build the door yourself. Look around you at the tools you already have to create your opportunities... Don't wait for the knock on the door!
**My daughter loves this story and asked me to add it to my blog. It was written almost 17 years ago when I was teaching 2nd Grade. It was during a time when I was frustrated because we were constantly being told how to run our classrooms ~ by people who had no idea what was even involved in the day of a teacher, let alone the organization of an entire classroom. I chose to vent in 'The Land of Analogies'! :) Of course it's transferable to many other situations. One day a school of fish is swimming along doing what they do best. They were in their formation doing each job in the order it was supposed to be done, per order of the Queen. Suddenly two Penguins arrive on the ocean scene. They see the school of fish and think to themselves that the fish really could be doing a better job at being fish. The Penguins figured since they also swim in the water on occasion that they could give these fish a few pointers. They are only fish. They can’t possibly know what they should be doing. However, they decide they will not approach the fish directly with their suggestions. They decide to go the Great Octopus; or the “Omnipotent Eight-Armed One” as she liked to be called. They popped in on Queen Heloise, ruler of the sea. They knew that they were always welcome in her presence. She loved to hear from her loyal constituents. First, the Penguins complained that the fish were not behaving as well as they believe that fish should behave. “We feel they should somehow be accomplishing more than they are presently accomplishing!” bellowed the over-sized Penguin. Queen Heloise responded by saying, “I truly applaud your astute recommendations. I will have the fish do more work. I will look into the problem and correct it immediately!!! The queen visited the fish early the next morning. All the fish were doing what they were assigned to do, as stated in their present policy, which was written by the queen herself. “However,” she thought, “the Penguins must have noticed an error that I have currently missed. Naturally, I don’t want the penguins to think that I’m not doing my job as Queen of the Sea, so I must go and write a new and improved policy!” And off she glides ready to put her camouflage ink and eight arms to use. She writes a biting memo to the school of fish and has it published in the local newspaper. It begins like this: My Dear Fish, It has come to my attention that your job performance is substandard. Each and every Penguin has complained that you are lacking in your duties. As you are aware, the Penguins swim in the water with you, therefore, they must know what they are talking about in reference to your performance. Please read the revised job description and follow the new procedures. Kindly ignore the revised copy from last week. All the Penguins have complained that you are not performing as fish should perform, therefore, you must amend your ways. Sincerely, Queen Heloise The fish couldn’t believe what they were reading …AGAIN!! How would the Penguins have any idea how to perform like a fish? They are Penguins. They have not been schooled in the same way. They do not have the same equipment with which to survive on a daily basis. They do not deal in the same exact element as the fish do. How could they possibly have any clue how a fish should behave and when the behavior is or is not sufficient? Well, they considered speaking with Queen Heloise- “The Great Eight-Armed One. Then they realized that it would be senseless. The Big Q. changes like the ocean currents. Last week the seals didn’t think the fish were doing a good job. This week it’s the Penguins. Who will it be next week…. the Seagulls? That would be the seaweed that broke lobster’s back. I could see it now.. the Seagulls would probably inform Queen Heloise that we were not swimming close enough to the surface of the water and a new policy would be written with their wants (and hunger) in mind. That would truly be the end of the nice school of fish. They would be plucked off by the seagulls (this week’s group of choice). Then, one by one, unqualified sea animals would take over their job of running the fish school. The structure and knowledge that it takes to run a school of fish would be swept away with the forever-changing tides. All proven and working procedures would be gone. No one would know how to run the school. Every fish would be left to fend for itself. Chaos would ensue. Ultimately, the blame for the tumultuous seas would lie in the fins of the fish. They would take on the blame whether they followed the procedures or not. Their choice was simple. They could either sink or swim; and we all know that swimming is what fish do best. So they followed the new policy, knowing full well that next week it would be changed. Maybe for the better…Maybe for the worse. Thank goodness that as fish they were taught to roll with the tides! I hate when you start an extensive cleaning project... only to find that within a short time it actually looks worse than before you started... That's when you begin to pray that you won't give up until it's at only as bad as before you began.
Just because a person has good control over their feelings, doesn't mean they don't have them.
Quick Thought for the Day: Sometimes when you let go, it frees up your hands to hold onto more!10/1/2017 Surefire Stress Reliever:
Let go, even for the moment, of what you think 'should be', and be OK with, and accept, 'what is'. Self-imposed pressure doesn't always help push us forward. Often times it holds us back! Do an experiment: Stop thinking of where you feel you should be in life and appreciate the spot where you are sitting right now. (Seriously... right now stop and ask yourself to look around and find 4 good things about your life!) Tried and trusted tip: I've always found that expressing appreciation for what you have in the moment will nudge the universe to find a way to send you more of the same! It's sort of like when you thank someone for a kind act; they're more willing (and likely) to do another kind act for you, or someone else, when the things they've already done are recognized and appreciated. Don't get me wrong: Now, for those who say that pressure is what moves you forward, don't misunderstand what I'm saying here. I am always putting pressure on myself to do greater things than what I'm doing now. I'm always striving to 'grow' myself. It's what drives me forward. However, I don't do it (anymore) at the expense of who I am at that moment. I do it because I know that I'm not going to define myself by my current situation. I'm always defining myself by what I know is inside of me! It's your turn: Who are you? I'm not asking you to tell me about your job, car or family situation. I'm asking you to know who you are on the inside. It's not always easy to find out. However, sit with this question (in a quiet place) to figure it out. It has to be a spot where you know you won't be interrupted. Think about it: It's so much easier to see your reflection in the calm waters of a lake than it is to see your reflection in the choppy waters of a raging river! Find your calm lake, grab a notebook if you like, and write the story of 'who' you are on the inside. This way you'll know how to guide your thoughts towards your destined greatness! This way you'll always be happy with where you are at any moment in time. Remember, however, it all starts with being OK with where you are right now... no matter what 'right now' looks like through your eyes! Last night I watched the most heart wrenching compilation of videos from 9/11. They were first hand accounts put together from real people watching as the crisis unfolded. I sat at the table and had to keep reminding myself that it wasn't just a scary movie. It's still hard to believe that it all actually happened!
This morning I said to my co-worker, Don, that even though it was horrific to watch, I'm glad that I did. I told him that it's something that I never want to forget. A moment later he asked me a great question: What is it that you don't want to forget about 9/11? Hmmm.... Great question, Don!! I thought for a moment and replied: It's a time when we all came together as people of one race ~ the human race. On that tragic day we saw what was truly important: LOVE (for one another), LIFE (that we all deserve to live), CARING (for our neighbors), PROTECTING (those who need our help), SUPPORTING (those who could not take another step)! I believe that day, as so many went through the hell that will always be known as 9/11, we got to see a glimpse (right here on Earth) of what Heaven might look like ~ as the world cried with us and we all came pulled together as members of the same family! May we all remember how tragedy brought out the best in so many of us.... Now we all just need to live our best selves everyday! Cindy I would venture to say that when we allow our children the opportunity to struggle, and perhaps even fail, we also give them that chance to succeed by using their problem solving skills. They build up their coping skills and have an early ownership of the feeling of success (and failure). I strongly believe that the coping skills our children learn at a young age (when the stakes are low) will help them overcome bigger problems when they are older (when the stakes are high). I believe that we need to teach our children that it's OK to fail. We then need to teach them how to overcome that failure... and finally we teach them how to move on and past it. When we do this, we are teaching them the process of relying on themselves as opposed to outside forces (like drugs and alcohol) when they are older. It's OK to love them through the hard times, especially when they are young, but try to step back when it's safe to let them figure things out for themselves. If this is done properly when they are young (and the stakes are low) then the benefit of learned coping skills will be worth it. Take comfort in knowing that the depth of your worth will be seen in the absence of your presence! Keep in mind that nothing solid and lasting is built on the sands of shortsightedness, pride, and the absence of knowledge. Clouded vision can actually be more dangerous than no vision. One should always be prepared to understand that castles made of sand, run by distant Kings and Queens, often crumble. Build your life on solid ground and trust that you are valuable! So, you’re probably wondering about the title The 10am Mommy Margarita Club. Your thoughts probably stray in a couple different directions… if you are a mom you are probably thinking that I must be joking (of course, maybe not). If you are not a mom, then you are probably thinking that I must be a horrible person. Both points of view have some truth to them, but I am neither joking nor am I a horrible person. I am just a mom who has tried her hardest to do her best… and to her surprise, unlike before she became a mom, her best isn’t usually even close to being good enough. First of all, I will say that I’ve never actually had a margarita at 10am! At 10 am I was dropping my child off at Preschool. As for the margarita part of the title… well, we all know that in order to make a good margarita you need tequila, triple sec, lime, ice, a shaker and salt… seriously, who has time to put together that many ingredients!! Just getting the ice out of the freezer takes too much time all on its own! It’s much too complicated. So, you may ask if there is any truth to the title at all… the answer would be YES! There was a day every once in a while when I’d have a glass of wine at 11am (don’t judge me…. Karma is an excellent teacher 😊)… but the 11am Mommy Wine Club just didn’t have the same ring. It was at Preschool drop-off that the idea of a 10am Mommy Margarita Club began. That’s when I finally, after years of being home with my children, was able to meet other moms who felt as stressed and ineffective as I did. That’s where the fictitious Mommy Margarita Club began! I will share some thoughts on parenthood and how I see the world differently since having kids. What Size Puzzle is Your Child? So, I was having a conversation with a friend about how we saw parenthood before we had our kids. It's completely different than we thought, to say the very least! What I've decided is that kids are like puzzles! They have varying degrees of difficulty. Some kids are those cute puzzles with about 15-20 large pieces. They are extremely easy to solve and there is no frustration involved. Then there are those kids that are like puzzles that have 250 medium size pieces and the picture has lots of contrast so it's easy to put the pieces together. It might take some time, but the level of frustration is still on the lower end of the spectrum. When we move up to the 1000 piece puzzles type of kid, things start getting interesting. The challenge begins! It may take some time to find a matching piece. These puzzles are not easy, but with patience they are doable. Of course, then there are those kids whose difficulty level is close to a 5000 piece puzzle... and maybe it's not only 5000 pieces, but this entire puzzle might be all ONE COLOR!!! You know the ones... super small pieces with no way to easily figure them out with a frustration level that is sky high... almost impossible to figure out (some might say). These puzzles are only for the most tenacious of us! So, if you find that your kid is a 5000 piece puzzle sometimes (or all the time) be kind to yourself! With a puzzle as complicated as this type can be, you have to know that there are small victories in finding even one piece that matches with another. It may not look like much in the big 'puzzle' picture... but every piece counts! Every piece is one step closer to putting it all together so it's complete! Make sure that when you are judging your parenting skills, and perhaps comparing yourself to other moms or dads (you know you do!), take a peek at the puzzle on which you are working so you can give yourself the credit you deserve based on the degree of difficulty. You may very well be a Puzzle Master! One piece at a time, Cindy
This was originally published on 9/10/15... I am sharing it again, in honor of those who died in the attacks on Sept. 11th, 2001! It is also to honor those men and women who had a choice to flee the horrific events or stay to help save anyone that they could! Many selflessly died trying to save total strangers! Why does it take disaster to bring people together?? Sorry, this is a long one, but once I started, I couldn't stop! I was watching a video on 9/11 and thinking to myself that it's like a horrific scene from an action movie... what else could it be... for something this unthinkable could NEVER happen in real life! Suddenly a thought occurs to me: On Sept. 11, 2001, we came together as one nation under God! As people either scrambled away from the tragedy to safety or into the nightmare that is now Ground Zero to put their lives... at risk for a fellow human being... nothing mattered, NOTHING, but surviving and reaching our loved ones. There were no perceived differences that separated us! Nobody stopped to ask you who you were before they helped you... they just helped. It didn't matter what car you drove, what job you had, the color of your skin, your religious beliefs, your sexual orientation, who your parents were or if you were a Democrat or Republican. We were all just people... we were all Americans! We were one! Our tears were the same, we all bled the same color, our broken hearts continued to beat despite the pain... and in exactly the same way! We instinctively knew that we had to work together to survive... and we did! As a matter of fact, much of the world... THE WORLD, banded together to reach out to the United States! People... what are we doing now? Are lives in 2015 less valuable than in 2001? If not, then why are we are killing each other? Honor those who died on 9/11 by valuing your life and the lives of your fellow humans! We are One People, we need to act like it! So, in the Child Studies class that I teach at Post University, we are discussing DAP (Developmentally Appropriate Practices) and NAEYC in ECE. So, naturally, this week's Discussion Board brought us to the topic of Inclusion. I always like to bring into my classroom as much anecdotal information as I can. So I shared with them about a young boy who changed me for the better.
The young boy was placed in my 2nd Grade Classroom for socialization purposes. This young boy had Autism and went to another school that was better equipped to give him the specialized instruction that was needed. However, as we all know, the socialization piece of school can be as important as the instruction piece. So, twice a week he joined us in Room 24. He was an amazing young man and I felt honored that his care was entrusted to my students and me! Sadly, it is oftentimes human nature to distance ourselves from someone who is greatly different than us. My students were now challenged to expand their breadth of understanding and compassion for a boy who at first seemed very different from them. However, instead of our 2nd graders looking at our new classmate, Drew, with uncertainty and discomfort, he became our friend. It gave us all a connection with someone who had greater challenges than we did. His inclusion into our classroom benefited us and much as it benefited him. By the time a month had passed, we could actually point out more similarities than differences between each of us. He was taken under our wing not for what he had, but for who he was ~ a smart, brave and friendly young man! I believe that it is easy to dislike or fear that which we do not understand! On the flip side, it is also very hard to fear or dislike that which we do understand. Familiarity can breed compassion and empathy. He quickly became 'one of us' and we all looked out for him... not just me! It was heart-warming; I was so proud of my students! It was obvious that Drew felt he was a part of our classroom as well. I was especially proud of him, though. He was a warrior! It was he that took on the bigger challenge, well out of his normal routine and comfort zone. So, his was the biggest accomplishment. Labels are over-generalizations that inaccurately confine and define a person ! So, we were careful not to label Drew. We saw him not as 'the autistic boy', but as the 'boy who had autism'. Some might think that we are just dealing with a case of semantics, but it couldn't be farther from the truth! Little changes can make the biggest differences. I will repeat this: We never said that he was autistic... because that would have been inaccurate. We said that he had autism. If you think about it, we are often careless in our descriptions and labels. One little word can make a huge difference in the how we view someone. We say that someone is autistic, is mentally challenged or is physically challenged. However, in reality, these children 'have' autism, 'have' mental challenges and 'have' physical challenges. The difference in this wording is that it shows that heir challenge does not define them. It would be like the difference between stating that 'he is cancer' or 'he has cancer'. Just because someone has a challenge, doesn't mean they should be defined by that challenge. We have the choice to choose that which defines us! We all wear many hats. We are artists, athletes, interpersonal wizards, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, students, etc, etc, etc! We all also have many weights holding us back from finding our greatness ~ time, talent, resources, abilities, problems, lack of self esteem, etc, etc, etc. However, I say we focus on the many hats that we wear and not the weights that hold us back. Time for you to share: There are many simple changes that allow us to create significant differences in how we define ourselves (and others) so we can excel in our complicated world. What simple change have you made that has had a positive impact on either your life or the lives of those you love? Thanks for reading!!! Cindy So, you’re probably wondering about the title The 10 am Mommy Margarita Club. Your thoughts probably stray in a couple different directions… if you are a mom you are probably thinking that I must be joking (of course, maybe not). If you are not a mom, then you are probably thinking that I must be a horrible person. Both points of view have some truth to them, but I am neither joking nor am I a horrible person. I am just a mom who has tried her hardest to do her best… and to her surprise, unlike before she became a mom, her best isn’t usually even close to being good enough.
If you can relate, then feel free to join us... PUZZLES: So, I was having a conversation with a friend about how we saw parenthood before we had our kids. It's completely different than we thought, to say the very least! What I've decided is that kids are like puzzles! They have varying degrees of difficulty. Some kids are those cute puzzles with about 15-20 large pieces. They are extremely easy to solve and there is no frustration involved. Then there are those puzzles that have 250 medium size pieces and the picture has lots of contrast so it's easy to put the pieces together. It might take some time, but the level of frustration is still on the lower end of the spectrum. When we move up to the 1000 piece puzzles, things start getting interesting. These puzzles are not easy, but with patience they are doable. Of course, then there are those kids whose difficulty level is up close to a 5000 piece puzzle... not only is it 5000 pieces, but the entire puzzle is all ONE COLOR!!! You know the ones... super small pieces with no way to easily figure them out with a frustration level that is sky high! So, be kind to yourself! Make sure that when you are judging your parenting skills, and perhaps comparing yourself to other moms or dads, take a peak so you know what type of puzzle with which you are working so you can give yourself the credit you deserve based on the level of difficulty. The Pursuit of Intentional Happiness!
Some days we have to create our own happiness! Well, most days... OK... every day we have to create our own happiness. However, some days we just have to set out to make it happen against our current mood... Here's to the pursuit of Intentional Happiness!! A Few Things I’ve learned as a Mom:
So, as far as I'm concerned, I have successfully completed an hour of weight training by simply avoiding the drive-through at McDonald's! Although I could clearly hear the filet of fish, small fries & diet coke (not a calorie thing… a HFCS thing) calling my name as my growling belly and I drove right past the turn and made our way home for an egg sandwich! Whew... what a work out! I'm exhausted!
What I've learned the hard way:
When someone treats us poorly, or without respect, our feelings get hurt. When our feelings get hurt, it can cause us to cry and then become angry. Personally, I think hurt is the birthplace of most anger. When we choose to keep the hurt to ourselves to avoid conflict (or hurting the other person’s feelings), we end up getting more angry (usually). When this anger is kept inside, it usually ends up escalating by the minute… like a pot of boiling water with a lid on it. Now we're furious with the person... almost disproportionately so, if we stop to think about it. We need to keep in mind that when we don't tell that person that we felt disrespected or hurt, then we are partially to blame for what we are feeling inside. Yes, we have a duty to speak up for ourselves. It’s important that we own part of the anger! Our subconscious mind knows these rules. Where do we think the extra anger comes from? It’s that inner voice that is yelling at us to “Say something!” and “Stick up for yourself!” When we don’t listen, the inner voice gets super irate at us. This is usually what causes the pot to go from a simmer to an all-out boil! This doesn’t mean that we need to blow up at someone who has hurt us. It simply means that we need to let off a little steam before the pot ever reaches the boiling point. So, before you ramp up, talk it out… as uncomfortable as it may be! Literally, just spit it out: I felt hurt when you didn’t show up! So, what if it’s too late and you’ve reached the boiling point? How do you solve this problem now? Well, before you let the pot boil over, find out which part of the anger you are responsible for causing. It’s not an easy task. It can take days! Yes, seriously, days!! Ask yourself why you are really mad. To find this out you may have to look beyond pain and pride. You have to go back to the moment in time when your feelings were hurt. Was it something small or something big? When you talk to the person who hurt you, make sure to only give them their fair share of the anger. The goal of sharing our feelings is not to punish the other person for hurting us (as fun as that may sound sometimes)… The real goal is two-fold: 1. We learn how to express ourselves in the moment so nobody can walk all over us. 2. We let the other person know how they hurt us so they won’t do it again. It’s a learning curve – each time we speak up we build our courage! It allows us to see the positive results of a few small words spoken proactively! With belief, Cindy Quick Thought for the Day:
So often we think that just because the ‘worst of it’ has passed, we no longer have the right to feel overwhelmed. Just because, while in the middle of the ocean, you have found a piece of driftwood that has kept you from drowning, doesn’t mean that you are still not stranded in the middle of the freakin’ ocean! There are so many sayings that are true and helpful. Then there are those sayings that are true, but not helpful. One of those extremely true, but hardly ever helpful sayings has only five little words:
It Can Always Get Worse No!!!!!!!!!! Not the dreaded ‘It can always get worse’ response! That saying pretty much falls under the ‘No kidding, Captain Obvious’ category! One thing that I’ve learned over the years is that telling someone who’s already having a really bad day that it can always get worse is not at all helpful. There is no comfort in this. It’s actually like anti-comfort. It does nothing but invalidate that person’s feelings, thus making them feel even worse. (I guess they were right… it did just got worse... thanks a bunch!) When someone tells you that your problems can be much worse, you may start to doubt your own feelings. It adds insult to injury when you have to question if you actually deserve to be stressed out over your very own bad day. Here is the thing: Understand that the person telling you it can get worse doesn’t mean any harm. Trusting yourself is the key. Remember: If you only want someone to listen, make sure to let them know. Only you know if you are overwhelmed. Only you know which factors led you to this point. Only you know how far you can bend before you break. My general thought on advice is: If you cannot make things better, at least don’t make them worse! I can remember having a conversation with a co-worker a few years ago. She felt bad complaining about the tough week she was having because it was far less hectic than mine. I told her that if there is one thing that I’ve learned over the years, and know for certain, is that hard is hard no matter what! I told her that she has every right to say that she is having a difficult day, even if it isn’t up to someone else’s level of difficult. Her rough day could be one of the hardest days she’s ever experienced! Just because it’s not as hard as someone else’s, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t suck! Bad days are bad days! When we tell someone that their troubles can be worse, we’re often judging them and their situation based on a moment in time… a brief snapshot. You may look at them crying because they just spilled something on their outfit. You think to yourself: What’s the big deal? It’s not worth crying over. However, that spill may not be the first bad thing that happened that day. It could simply be the straw that broke the camel’s back. Never judge based on that snapshot, even if you think you know the person and see a bigger picture, you can never be sure… Just because you see a snapshot of a mountain climber who has reached the pinnacle of the mountain, doesn’t mean you have any idea what specific challenges that they went through to get there, even if you’ve climbed the same mountain! So, when a friend comes to you to say that they are having a bad day, just listen. Don’t try to make them feel better by explaining to them that it could be worse. Don’t tell them that they have no idea what a hard life looks like because yours is much more difficult. It may be true, but think back to the first time you thought your life was hard… before your ability to withstand difficulties stretched to what, each time, you thought was your limit. Remember that hard is hard! Here’s an alternate response. It’s something that I learned from my friend Brenda 30+ years ago. She always listened to what I had to complain about with open ears, an open heart and a closed mouth. When I was done talking, no matter what I was going through, she would share those five little words. No, not these five words: It Can Always Get Worse She shared these five words: I Have Faith in You! Those words made me feel like she trusted me to do whatever it took to make it through my day! Those words made me realize that someone believed that I could survive the tough times without crumbling. Those little words made me realize I wasn’t alone in the world! A little faith has gone a very long way! Cindy At what age do we stop feeling like we are allowed to pull out our Super Hero Capes? Do you even know what your cape looks like anymore? Do you have any idea where or when you packed it away?
Well, this morning, without realizing it, I must have put on my Super Hero Cape! > Woke up at 6:55 am and was out the door by 7:15 am. > Arrived at the dealership at 7:30 to get my car serviced. > Got back home by 8:35 to get kids to Vacation Bible School by 8:45. We made it by 8:55 am (we were 10 minutes late - remember, good enough is the new perfect) > I then ran home to brush my teeth and get to the dental cleaning for 9:15. > I finished at 9:55, ran to buy my son lunch because we ran out of jelly for his sandwich (apparently I've lost my Grocery Shopping Super Hero Cape). > I dropped his sandwich off at VBS by 10:15 am and ran home to get ready to be into work by 11am. I made it in by 11:02! > I worked until 8pm at which time I came home to clean, make dinner and begin my correcting! Whew!! So, you see... today my Super Power was Time Management. Think about your day, week or month. Are you a person who lends a hand when needed? Do you make people smile or laugh with your positive attitude? Are you the type who does random acts of kindness for strangers? Are you the protector of our furry friends? Do you have amazing listening ears? Are you a volunteer, police officer, fireman or teacher? We all have 'our thing' that makes us special. What's yours? What Super Hero Cape do you wear? Back in my 20’s, before I had my kids, I did my best to run my life as perfectly as possible. I had control over my day! I woke every morning in my little two room apartment and peacefully got ready for work. I drove into work in my nice clean car. I was focused at my job and felt like a valued employee. I would bring a pretty healthy lunch that I actually remembered to eat. I could take on extra jobs for my boss because I was so efficient and clear-headed. When I arrived home, I would unwind a bit, maybe exercise, eat a nice dinner, do some cleaning and go to bed. The routine worked for me. Overall, my life ran with perfect precision.
Fast forward ten years and two kids… the organized, productive life that I once knew is gone. A perfectly orchestrated life was no longer an option for me. I tried so very hard during that time to keep things together so I could have the occasional feeling of success at the end of my day. However, little by little, the frustration of striving for this phantom perfection wore me down. I was always so angry and disappointed with myself for not being the perfect mom, the perfect wife, the perfect anything. I felt as if I was failing miserably! Finally, I realized that I was measuring my current level of performance (or lack thereof) based on the responsibilities from a past that seemed as if it belonged to someone else. I felt like half the person I used to be, but with ten times as many things to take care of each day. It got to be too much and I finally crumbled. I couldn’t keep up with my former self… or maybe my former self couldn’t keep up with the present-day me! I had a choice to make: Keep the previous expectations of what perfect looked like pre-kids, or redesign a new version of Perfect. I went for option two! I broke away from the restraints that were holding me to my former expectations! Once I stopped trying to make everything ‘Pre-Kid Perfect’, I became less stressed, more appreciative of the little things, and more accepting of the chaos that is my life. I am happy to say that I’m at the point where most days ‘Good Enough’ is my new ‘Perfect’ Now, when I get up in the morning to go to work, it’s not a peaceful time ~ it’s super hectic. I drive into work in a semi-clean car with a gas tank that almost always seems to be close to Empty. I still put in 100% into my job, but it takes way more effort now that I’m pulled in a thousand directions. (I’m lucky to have the best boss and co-workers ever!!) Lunch… it’s almost laughable! Suffice it to say that I keep protein bars in my desk drawer. My house… well, let’s talk about my house! It is never organized; there is always stuff here and there on tables, counters and floors. The laundry is never done... N.E.V.E.R! My only ‘down time’ is after midnight when I can hop into bed with a glass of wine and read my book. Just before I pull the little chain that turns off my lamp, I smile and realize that I’m OK with my day if I know that my kids are happy, healthy, well fed, showered and loved ~ or at least 3 out of the 5 at any one time. I try not to review that which did not get done. but instead think about the things that did get done. You see, once I came to terms with the more reasonable expectations, I found more contentment. ‘Good Enough’ is my new ‘Perfect’ and it works for me! With self acceptance! Cindy Here we are… back for our final blog post (for now) on depression. Thanks for reading and allowing me to share this journey with you. I want you to keep in mind that this may be my story, but honestly, my name doesn’t matter! It can actually be anyone’s narrative.
I might be the person sitting next to you at work who is on the quiet side. I could be the teen you see riding the bus home from school sitting by himself with his head leaning against the window. I may be the new mom who has a smile on her lips that doesn’t quite reach her eyes! I can be the person in the store who you think is mean or crabby, but who just doesn’t have the energy to smile. It’s so hard to be able to judge why people act the way they do. We never know what another person is going through or who they really are at first glance. It’s sort of like a Super Hero in their ‘day clothes’. You can you look closely at them, but you may never know that you are looking upon a warrior. Over the years I have met some pretty wonderful people who I learned, through candid conversation, have also suffered through this wonderful amusement park of nastiness just like me. They have their Super Hero cape hidden under their clothing as well, although you’d never guess it. It was always extremely helpful to know that I wasn’t alone… even though I always felt alone. You see, it’s so hard to explain depression to someone who has never had depression. More often than not they often believe, like I did before Postpartum Depression knocked on my door, that it was a mind over emotion thing and didn’t really exist. There is no real way to explain what it feels like to be without hope, or the will or energy to find hope. It is helpful for another person to recognize the level of dedication and strength it takes to simply pull yourself out of bed in the morning. Sometimes validation is empowering! There are some days when you’ve accomplished the most difficult task of your day, simply getting up and getting ready. You might be on your way to work or to do some other errand and it hits you. You are so depressed that nothing can make you happy, not thoughts of your beautiful children or your adorable dog! How can that be possible? You are shocked, disgusted and ashamed… at least you would be if you could work up the energy for all of that emotion. You actually feel like you are not really connected to anything around you. The radio is on, but you’re not listening… Unless, of course, Linkin Park or Evanescence is playing… then somehow you accept their invitation and you climb into their words and feel at home! It is the only company that you can bare to be around because nothing will be expected from you… not even a smile. It’s hard to be depressed because it’s not a visible illness. If you had a visible illness, then nothing would be expected of you. You would be allowed to rest up and get better. But, when you suffer from this disease, your suffering is usually inside. You only exist as a shadow of yourself; unless you have a friend or family member who recognizes the signs, or you can ignore the voices in your head telling you that you’re better off this way, you’ll never get better. I’d like to say that I eventually got a one-way ticket back home to my happy place, but sadly I end up escorted back there to the darkness every once in a while. The bully just shows up at my door and escorts me back to the place of sadness and shadows. I’ve learned to see him coming and proactively prevent him from getting too close. Sometimes I don’t go quietly. I won’t let him take me without a fight. Sometimes I even win the battle! You eventually get so practiced at the trip back home that it gets easier each time. That’s the thing about success ~ it gives you hope! Hope is a feeling that is strong enough to fight the bully and strong enough to defeat him (along with medication if needed). When you have hope and faith that something will happen, it’s easier to make it happen. It’s tough to be on a constant look out though, but you have to be vigilant because that damn bully can hang out and wait a long time. Depression has to wait, because he’s nothing without a victim! I won’t be a victim! I will keep my Super Hero cape with me at all times! With hope, faith and belief, Cindy |
Cindy Gagne Teixeira
Just like you, I wear many hats. I'm a mom, a teacher, a friend, a daughter, a sister, and a writer. I choose to laugh (and talk... and write) about my problems because crying takes too much time. CategoriesArchives
January 2020
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