What I've learned the hard way:
When someone treats us poorly, or without respect, our feelings get hurt.
When our feelings get hurt, it can cause us to cry and then become angry. Personally, I think hurt is the birthplace of most anger.
When we choose to keep the hurt to ourselves to avoid conflict (or hurting the other person’s feelings), we end up getting more angry (usually).
When this anger is kept inside, it usually ends up escalating by the minute… like a pot of boiling water with a lid on it. Now we're furious with the person... almost disproportionately so, if we stop to think about it.
We need to keep in mind that when we don't tell that person that we felt disrespected or hurt, then we are partially to blame for what we are feeling inside. Yes, we have a duty to speak up for ourselves. It’s important that we own part of the anger!
Our subconscious mind knows these rules. Where do we think the extra anger comes from? It’s that inner voice that is yelling at us to “Say something!” and “Stick up for yourself!” When we don’t listen, the inner voice gets super irate at us. This is usually what causes the pot to go from a simmer to an all-out boil!
This doesn’t mean that we need to blow up at someone who has hurt us. It simply means that we need to let off a little steam before the pot ever reaches the boiling point. So, before you ramp up, talk it out… as uncomfortable as it may be! Literally, just spit it out: I felt hurt when you didn’t show up!
So, what if it’s too late and you’ve reached the boiling point? How do you solve this problem now? Well, before you let the pot boil over, find out which part of the anger you are responsible for causing. It’s not an easy task. It can take days! Yes, seriously, days!!
Ask yourself why you are really mad. To find this out you may have to look beyond pain and pride. You have to go back to the moment in time when your feelings were hurt. Was it something small or something big? When you talk to the person who hurt you, make sure to only give them their fair share of the anger.
The goal of sharing our feelings is not to punish the other person for hurting us (as fun as that may sound sometimes)…
The real goal is two-fold:
1. We learn how to express ourselves in the moment so nobody can walk all over us.
2. We let the other person know how they hurt us so they won’t do it again.
It’s a learning curve – each time we speak up we build our courage! It allows us to see the positive results of a few small words spoken proactively!
Cindy Gagne Teixeira
Just like you, I wear many hats. I'm a mom, a teacher, a friend, a daughter, a sister, and a writer. I choose to laugh (and talk... and write) about my problems because crying takes too much time.